First things first – I found out last week that everyone at work has cottoned on to my blogging, and they’ve all managed to find it and read it despite it not coming up anywhere on Google. Which is mortifying, because I like to keep up a professional stance at work (apart from when I tried to flirt with the taxi driver at the Christmas work party – nvm).
But I guess as I’ve been there for nearly a year now it should be OK.
However, work guys – if you are reading this particular post, please don’t – it’s super sensitive and I’ve actually put off posting this for a few days because I’ve felt a bit shy over it. I’ll let you all read the others, just not this one, OK?
So stop now, or you’ll go blind. *crosses arms and puts on my best bossy look*
Last weekend ended up being one of the best weekends ever, and even though it’s now Wednesday evening I’m still feeling a happy glow as I scroll through all the pictures I took on my phone. My friends and I take more selfies than the Kardashians, I swear.
I’m fully aware that if I were to just blog about my weekend of partying, you’ll probably be as interested as when someone posts a picture of their lunch on Facebook, so don’t worry – that’s not going to be my focus. What I am going to do is to give you lot a once in a lifetime VIP exclusive opportunity – I’m going to give you an extract from my own diary from March 2013, when I was 25.
Three years ago isn’t a lifetime ago exactly, but I certainly was living a very different life then. I was desperately trying to survive in London after living there for a year (for those of you who dont know – London is very expensive – HOW MUCH FOR A VODKA AND CRANBERRY???) and attempting to get my head around being properly single for the first time since college. It didn’t matter to me that every part of my being had been slowly destroyed by a pathetic excuse of an ex, the thing that scared me the most was being on my own in a city where I’d only managed to make a few friends. I was also playing with fire with someone who was very, very inappropriate but this isn’t about him. Yes, reading through my old diary now is really hard, because these days I’ve forgotten how lonely I felt, BUT if I could turn back time I wouldn’t change a damn thing. My 25 year old self had to learn how to stand on her own two feet and deal with her crap without anyone else helping her, and I’m proud to say that she did.
Friday 14th March 2013
pm on the train from Victoria. Someone is eating McDonalds further up the carriage and it’s making me hungry – I didn’t eat my bagel for lunch in the end, after having the same bloody thing for lunch every day all week I was sick of it so I gave it to Sonny to eat. Got 3 interview requests so I suppose that’s OK. Revived a black dress from Oasis this morning that I found in the back of my wardrobe, but now I’ve remembered why I stopped wearing it – it picks up dust and fluff really badly so I’m feeling a bit scruffy now. Want to go home, eat and just sleep. No texts from Mr. L as usual – found it hard to know what to say to him. At some points today I was letting my imagination run away with me – wondering and just thinking about going to see him at the weekend (which would be impossible – he would have his kids at the weekend) – and then I realise with a little bump how little I understand about his situation. God – so hungry. Going to sit on this train and hope to god something good happens soon.
hmm… see what I mean? This is pretty depressing stuff. Feel free to go get a chocolate biscuit and a cup of tea to cheer yourself up. (I notice I talked about food a lot in my diaries??) Let’s crack on…
Saturday 15th March 2013 – midday
Sitting in Cafe Rouge on my own and after wondering around the Debenhams purfume section for an hour I smell like vanilla. Everyone around me is munching on chips and baguettes. I come here because I don’t really like any of the other coffee places in Bromley – the other places are really shabby and unwelcoming. Not like the lovely Starbucks they used to have in Canterbury – I’d spend my life there curled up in one of the big armchairs with my laptop studying, (procrastinating on Facebook), looking out of the window to see the Cathedral every now and then. At least here in Cafe Rouge I can kinda pretend I am a writer living in Paris or something – and I look better in the dimmed lighting too. This morning I had a lie-in, and took my time getting ready. Did a bit of hoovering and Facebooking and then decided after a nice shower that I would do a bit of dressing up. So I went for my over-sized cream and black elephant-print shirt from asos and black skinny jeans then to say screw you world, I threw on a leopard-print scarf (so mix of pattern byt stucking to same colours + same theme (safari/africa)). Wore my hair, which is so long now, swept to one side, and brown eyeliner. And right now I feel like if there was a photographer walking around looking for street style pictures for a fashion magazine, he would absolutely take a picture of me. *side note – current day 27 yr old Catherine is really cringing – why did I write that?* So it’s really interesting how this voyage of personal discovery a.k.a. being single for the first time ever is changing my outlook. Today I tried on a dress in River Island and I didn’t shrink away in horror at my reflection. If I think of all the self hate and loathing I have aimed at myself over the years, this is nothing short of a miracle. So now I am going to pay the bill and go home, get some tea and try and do a bit of writing on the laptop I think.
Sunday 16th March 2013 – pm – home in Hastings.
hm… feeling a little down and fed up this afternoon – it’s all feeling a bit naff. I got in my car yesterday evening and put my music on and sang really loudly all the way down the A21. Got home and chilled out and went to sleep, then this morning bummed out, ate toast. Went for a walk around the park with the dog – weather just a bit grey and gloomy really. Got annoyed with Dad in the middle of Lidls because he made comments about my weight. It’s cold, I feel fat + I am worried about Mr. L – I’m starting to doubt what he is saying – if it is truthful etc. I don’t know what is going to happen, all I can do is wait. So… I guess I have to get ready to go back to London. I’m glad I wrote all of this stuff down, so I can re-read it all and know exactly how I felt, when and why. I knew all along that I would need it, just to clear my head – it’s why I started writing all of this weeks ago. This is pretty heartbreaking – I am bored, cold, fat, heartbroken + it’s a Sunday – brilliant.
OK you can relax now, it’s all over – all of that crappy bullshit is in the past. Fast forward to March 2016 and I’m sitting at home in Hastings with a cup of tea, Obee the dog is curled up in a ball behind me on the sofa, and I feel happy. I would like to stress that these days I never assume I will be photographed by a fashion photographer. *twat*.
The thing that amazes me the most is how different my weekends are now. This isn’t about me telling the world how popular and cool I am, this is about telling people that if you are feeling crappy and lonely, it won’t last forever. Your life can change in ways that you would never, ever expect and that’s what makes it so magical. Yhis is what I got up to at the weekend:
Friday 11th March – 2016
Midday – Pub lunch with the work crew, spent most of it taking the piss out of each other and talking about weekend plans.
pm – Got home, threw on a River Island dress and called a cab – chatted away to the taxi driver (sorry but taxi drivers in Hastings are a wealth of knowledge – sit there and ask the right questions, they will happily fill you in with whats been going on in the town during the week).
Pulled up outside the Senlac Inn, and spotted about three people I knew having a smoke outside. Did general hugs to everyone, and went in.
Listened to some awesome music, did various degrees of rediculous dancing, and then hopped into my friends car and we drove over to Hastings for the night. Popped my Silent Disco cherry (never actually went to one at Uni funnily enough, and I struggled with the headphones at the beginning – Jess however was dancing it up within miliseconds of getting there.)
Went home, crept into bed at about 2ish and slept like a really tired person.
Saturday 12th March 2016
Tea and caramel waffles with the beautiful Lexi, which resulted in spontaneously going to her old work mate’s 40th birthday party at Folkington Hall. I made Lexi stop the car to take a picture of it in the driveway.
There was a lot of cake, dancing to cheesy disco music and playing dress up in the photo booth. Crept into bed at about 12 ish and slept like a really tired person.
Sunday 13th March 2016
am – Breakfast with Jess and Laura – which started with us gossiping and chatting, and ended up with us all colouring in.
Lunch time stroll with Dad and Obee the dog around Fairlight in the sunshine, commenting on all the wild garlic and daffodils sprouting up.
Evening – Pub down at the London Trader in the Old Town with some live music, carnival masks and yet more dancing.
I still come across things that challenge me, and I still mess up and get things wrong but the big difference between 25 year old me and 27 year old me, is that I’ve stopped being afraid of things. I’ve stopped being afraid of who I am, and I’ve embraced my faults and flaws so now (hopefully) I’m a more authentic person. My mates know that they are spending time with the real Catherine, rather than a fake person who’s pretending all the time just to keep everyone happy. The most exciting thing for me as I put my old diary back on my shelf, is to wonder what I’ll be doing with my weekends in March 2019.